Sunday, July 25, 2010

Avoid the Unreal

It is good that it rained. For one, the water shortage may already be a problem of the past and it trapped me here in my room the whole day. I have never felt so much peace in me the past few days than now. That is why I am here indulging yet again in self-stories I have been known of. It has been eons since my last post here in this blog and that so many things had happened in between documented supposedly here in this repository, journal of this fledgling lawyer. No one is visiting me now I must say for the stats have dropped and the few followers might have resented eavesdropping for novelty has passed away and monotony has sunk in the travails of this challenged lawyer.

I have been lucky to visit the United States last month and has not yet chronicled my travel except for a collection of photos of the places I visited I uploaded in my Facebook page. Some of my friends have been nagging me that I put some story in them. But challenged as I am right now in putting my thoughts into words, I cannot say anything to capture the milieu that surrounds me except maybe of the common excuse of a brainless man that is becoming speechless. My almost one month stay in the US was a blessing from God which have resulted to such thoughts as telling myself I am ready to die. It was very hard to believe that I got through one of the most generous scholarships on earth in one of the most renowned educational institutions. Be that as it may, I must accept that dreams do come true and that I must be happy all the time. I did become happy especially that I was able to meet and live with, even for a short while, one of the most special persons in my life right now that is Mom Lydia and Mike. I met Lydia through my other blog, Thirty Thousand Fishes, and was knocked out by this feeling of familiarity and homeliness through her insightful comments of my posts written during the tumultuous period of my Bar review. If I have to believe in reincarnation and the interplay of the cosmos, I must say that I met Lydia in one of the periods of my past life and that she could have been a parent, a sibling, or a best friend. There was this magical feeling when we first met at the Oregon airport together with his husband Mike that I never felt that they were strangers to me but rather that I have missed them for so long and that I am very happy to see them again. I never told Lydia that I cried to myself when I went passed the immigration and could no longer see them from afar when they accompanied me to the airport on my way back home. It may be a while again to see them and only God knows when.
I really had to struggle not only of jetlag but of depression when I went back home. I had relapse of the abdominal pains I have been suffering from for a very long time and it had worsened that I have to force myself to see a doctor. I was so worried that I have focused so much on the pain and the feeling of nearness with death. I have never confided this thing to anyone except to myself, to a very special friend and to Lydia in an email a week ago telling her what I truly feel and that I am very much worried of my health and that I thought I have cancer. When I read her email I broke in tears right then and there in front of my computer reading love and compassion brought to me from miles away. I would always tell Lydia in my email that I love her; that no one really knows me, my thoughts, my aches and pains, my love quarrels with the world except her and that I will always be relieved of them after reading her response.

I have a personality disorder. The truth of the matter is that even before I became a lawyer, I already had to grapple with it in law school, in dealing with a problematic job, and the most challenging periods in my life, the consequences of a dysfunctional family and the death of my grandmother three years ago. I would always ask myself before why can’t I manage the stresses of work now considering that I managed to live with it before. And I would always dwell on that million dollar question and would always fail myself answering it. It is only now that I am beginning to let myself accept the fact that the truth is that I never overcame stress and that I was in denial all the time.

I went to see the results of the tests last Saturday. They were all normal. I was able to find a good doctor who was very patient in being the sounding board of this anxiety. He appeased me and explained that what I am feeling now may be a functional problem and that it is not organic. He would then explain to me that there is no need to undergo further tests right now or a leave from work. I told him that if there is one thing I am happy about is that he did not tell me that I will die soon. The doctor smiled. He knew I think through his eyes that here is a man in his young age who is too much concerned with death when he has the world to live. I had to thank the doctor for all his concern and for prescribing me anti-depressant which he mentioned during my first visit.

If you will ask me if I love my profession right now, I must say I will have second thoughts in answering yes. I must say that the fire burning in me, the passion in me is slowly settling down. To you who believed in my capabilities and that I would become a great defender someday, the drama is here to stay not in the courtroom or any legal battle but it my unending personal struggle. It came to a point where I became too much burdened that there’s no room left for another. I will not dare to indulge in jus cogens or literary thieves for dinner. I dreamt of being a hero, but reneged on it unconsciously and subsumed myself to a tragic one. I hope and pray that I can find myself with renewed strength and vigor in the process. For the meantime, I will just be here avoiding the unreal.

11 comments:

  1. Dear One,
    We miss you too, so much. Mike took pictures of you going through that long Customs line at the airport and I have difficulty looking at it because it shows you going out of sight...when the tears happened. I'm better off looking at all the photos we got when we were together for the week. As you wrote here we lived together even for a short time and we were family in the dearest sense - completely comfortable around one another. You fit into our world (and our small house) just exactly like you belong here. And it has been sad without you, especially during the worry about your health issues. I am so grateful for the good report from your understanding doctor. You have a personality disorder along with millions of others in the world, but you - unlike many - are struggling to understand yourself and your sorrows, and to unravel the meaning of your life. Once again, you have written so beautifully your thoughts about the landscape of your mind and about how our minds met long before we met in Oregon in June 2010. I will copy and treasure your words here.
    A world of love about a half a world away,
    Mom Lydia

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  2. I'll do good doing the chores. Don't you think, mom? Of taking abby and bonbon for a stroll or feeding the raccoons and the scrubjays? It was to me a very peaceful and tranquil activity. I love you so much and Mike too!

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  3. And we love you! Since you left there is a family of skunks added to the mix out in the wildlife area. I took some good video of them and will post at my blog soon. They are, so far, behaving themselves and sharing nicely.

    It is a beautiful cool evening here tonight. Mike is on his way home after working all Saturday in the office. I wish you had been here with me during the day and that the three of us could do that nice stroll before sunset. We will think of you.
    Love always,
    Mom

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  4. Even in the travails of keeping oneself from falling into void of nothingness and peripheral existence, one must still fight against "the dying of one's light". Take heart. You are not alone.

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  5. A widow from Baguio. You don't know me personally, but I've been a fan of your other blog from years back.

    Sometimes the disenchantment happens sooner than expected, but you can choose or rather SHOULD CHOOSE to make the most of what you now have. You've worked so hard to be a lawyer.

    Even if the system self-contradicts itself and displaces you on the other end of the spectrum, don't forget the good you can still wield because of where you are, what you have and what you can do. You are still at the 1% of the luckiest people in the world.

    God be with you.

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  6. Very beautiful writing. I shall start reading all your blogs now. Really appreciate your skill. From Chito

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  7. i've known you since law school days,always sitting either across from where u sat or behind you and you always seemed so quiet. I never really had the chance to get close to you then, i dont know why...probably i was just too caught up with trying to get through law school, guess you are aware of that too right?.. well this is my first time to read ur thoughts panyero and i must say that u indeed write beautifully...no wonder you were always so quiet in class, with all these beautiful thoughts just running through your head...

    Always remember panyero that a lot of people would give anything just to get to where we are right now...remember the dreaded recitations in class? or the countless times when we had to memorize 100 provisions for a quiz? or those crazy, hand written case digests that we had to pass? but more importantly, remember our bar exam ( i cant possibly describe it the way i experienced it then- dreadful really!,,)...we all went through it with flying colors my friend! we survived!...hold your head up panyero,yes we are just but rookie lawyers still...be patient, our time will come when we too will become the "defender" you expect yourself to be.

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  8. this is. . . as what wordsworth says, the road less traveled which you are now on.

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  9. Very informative, keep posting such good articles, it really helps to know about things.

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  10. I have a personality disorder. The truth of the matter is that even before I became a lawyer

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