I write about the city

Smoldering heat one early morning. You could feel it touching your skin burning it easily like paper. There’s no way to cool yourself but to think of mirages of beaches, of rain, of ice; to quench your thirst for life in a city full of busy streets, busy minds, busy people, busy hearts. I envy the skies, the stagnant air, the dried leaf that drifts above the street, the train, and the long road way back home.

To Love or Not To Love

Like waves that rush up the shore and retreat back to the sea, I am now bothered with the thought of whether I will let myself drift in the sea and find the sweetness of love ashore or just permanently there at the sea, alone, waiting for the rain to come by.

Bringing Back the Music

I will bring you dear Nicolo with me when I return to the city. I will wake you up from somber and finish your dirty surface back to its shining glory. Sorry if I abandoned you. You didn’t know how the years that passed lingered in my mind with you mesmerizing me, of your sorrowful music, of your nostalgic cries. You were there for all those days that I wept for bitterness. I am away when you want me to play your golden strings.

I will bring you back dear Nicolo. You will play both in my heart and mind.

To Speak

You told me that I came first to your mind when you were planning on who will speak and grace your festivities. I was reluctant and told you that I could no longer indulge in real-time self-stories after I realized that my life was as good and bad like any else’s. But I gave in anyway for my distraught father’s pride.

Then I thought about speaking. I digress instantly. From where I am I tell you justice in this country is dug deep, six feet under and I am at a loss right now finding meaning in this vocation I had rather not chosen. Shall I say you stand guard? But definitely don’t take justice in your hands. Justice to each his own. Find it in the most peaceful and comforting ways and you will learn that this world is full of balance you have never known.

Understanding Me

I don’t know if I am being narcissistic for thinking of this. I just felt the need that I really need to have to understand myself more for me to conquer my fears. There are things I couldn’t understand. For example, as a lawyer I should now be stronger. My character, fearless. But no. I am still the fragile person always thinking about how to take refuge from the stresses of work, from the pain that comes with this life.
There is still so much to know about me. Can I still indulge on myself when the world needs to be taken cared of, when the universe needs to be discovered and explored? I am a nano-molecule in this universe. I am a nano-molecule trying to understand itself against a gazillion, ad infinitum.

Searching

Today, I have allowed a widow with little children to be put in jail. How is justice best delivered to the people, I ask. Look me in the eyes, she said. Find me amongst criminals, find me further in the dregs of this society, stop when you find me in a shanty with my little children beside me.

I, too, seemed helpless. Maybe it’s too late for I have found you there, behind bars without your children.

Shaping a Life

I have a new home. I just transferred hours ago and here I am slouching on the barren floor without a bed or any other muebles. That’s how literally barren my room is. Surrounding me are the bulky travel bags packed with unwashed laundry, thick books, mattresses, shoes, and a life full of unwanted memories. I will start a new a life here while the world continues to turn around as people grieve and live in fear; while nature wretches the living.

I feel so convenient in this new place. My office is just a stone’s throw away, the train could be heard from the distance, the horns of the buses are like buzzing bees. This is a new chapter yet again and this will be repeated soon and over and over as I try to shape a life I don’t understand. As I try to shape a life I do not own.